She has an affinity with Advaita and Zen, but belongs to no formal tradition.She is interested in exploring without beliefs, and she points to the aliveness and simplicity of present awareness, the actuality of what is, just as it is.But this tactic often is obvious and typically lessens our chances of success.No matter what the tactic, once there is an initial contact and a back-and-forth of —or we might also call them “signals”—are verbal and nonverbal behaviors that we seek, send, and receive as we start trying to get to know a potential partner.
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Some cues are “successful” in terms of getting dates, but not very good or even downright dishonest and devious, and certainly won’t lead to the type of marriage you want. Like brushing up his male ego, just to get asked out!
Some men and women dislike using interest cues because they seem to be part of “playing games” and “manipulative.” Beth said this about a roommate: I just can’t respect that [being a “big flirt”] at all, for some reason. It just seems like you should just be good friends; that you can do things together without having to do that kind of stuff. Therefore, watch, talk to, and learn from trusted adults.
But sometimes we just seem to do things wrong—wrong thing or wrong timing.
Much of this comes from not understanding interest cues from others or not knowing how to send appropriate interest cues that others are willing to receive. In one study, we learned that young men, who hadn’t had a lot of dating experiences or who hadn’t dated for some time, were more likely than others to go headlong into dating without much subtlety.
The Honesty Coach Marina Dervan is a certified Radical Honesty Coach and Trainer.